ergon | .OPEN POST. (let's play)

[ In the midst of all the groaning and the blood, the violence that rears like a beast within Matt that demands retribution, justice, Kieren's quiet voice cuts through, the one thing he hears above the noise and the clamor and his wildly pounding heart.

He knows the damage he's doing to this man, the one who commanded the attack, who tortured Kieren, terrified him, and Matt stops, restrained by his lover's coarse whisper, trembling with fury. He doesn't want Kieren to die for him, and when he hears him slump to the floor not too far away, he wants to take this man's life as payment for all the trauma he's put Kieren through, a debt repaid in blood.

But Kieren's saying no. He's saying no, and Matt hears the fear in his voice; not of the men but of him, and something in him cracks, just a little, but he doesn't budge. Matt's words are low, gravelly, barely restrained.

He doesn't look at Kieren. The man is unconscious now; he won't hear them. ]

He hurt you.

( he doesn't want that, because he knows matt. knows that he believes in heaven and hell. he understands how heavily taking a life would weigh on him, and it's not worth it. not for him, not for anyone. kieren doesn't want him to do anything in his rage that he will regret later.

but he can't walk. his legs are useless and everything hurts. he can't walk, so he begins to crawl. biting back a noise of pain from the screaming muscles and damaged bones of his body, he crawls with his face against the concrete, pushing himself forward through sheer stubbornness alone. kieren doesn't know what he's doing. he can't stop matt, he never could. not even when he wasn't beaten to a pulp. but now, he's even more useless.

it doesn't matter. kieren knows he has to stop him. )

He's not worth it.

( crawling is hard when it feels like there's no strength left in his body. he breathes hard with his cheek against the concrete. it hurts so much to breath, like his chest is collapsed in on himself or something. )

I'm begging you...

[ Matt can hear him, the drag of muscles and broken bones, he can practically smell the hurt, the agony that Kieren forces himself through when he comes to him, stubborn as you please even through his injuries.

Matt releases the ringleader after a few moments, not for the sake of his own conscience, but for Kieren's own -- he's pleading with him even when he's suffering like this, and Matt bites his tongue, feeling the blood in his mouth. It should've been him, not Kieren. He should have been here, taking on these brutes. He can take so much more of a beating than Kieren can; his gentle, kind art student whose only sin is associating with Matt.

He's going to Kieren, hands as gentle now as they were brutal before. He's on his knees before him, checking, listening. He will need stitches and his wounds have to be taken care of, cracked bones have to be tended to. He's grimacing, before his arms come around him, quite about to delicately pick him up. ]

Don't move. [ He says quietly. He will spare them, for his sake. His worry overtakes his rage when he senses the laboured breathing, quietly anxious, but forcing his voice to remain steady. He can do this; he can take care of him. ] You're badly hurt. We need to get this looked at.

( the pain is almost debilitating, but it doesn't matter, because kieren will crawl right up to him and put his body between matt if he has to. he does not care what it takes. but he can't help the sigh of relief that he manages to push out of aching lungs. matt lets the man go and kneels over him, and kieren is infinitely grateful for that.

he lets himself be picked up, limp and acquiescent as a rag doll. every jostle hurts a little bit more, but he bites back the noise of pain that rises from him because he knows it can't be helped. )

I didn't --

( kieren grimaces, leaning his face against the front of matt's shirt. )

Didn't tell them anything.

( because he would rather die than betray matt. )

[ I didn't tell them anything.

And look. Look at the line of fire he had put Kieren into. Look at what he'd done. Matt's jaw sets; when the rage subsides there is guilt, and a sharpened anger with himself -- he allowed this to happen, and here Kieren is, clinging on stubbornly, loyally, to the secret that had put him in danger in the first place. ]

Kieren.

[ He whispers, when he carries him, careful not to jostle him too much, aching with every fiber of his being when he hears the hitches of pain that he tries to hide from him. He leans down to press a kiss delicately to the crown of his head, the unhurt side as he walks back home through the shadows. ]

I'm sorry. I got you into this. [ Thank you. He could never repay this, he could never, never be worthy enough of what Kieren was willing to do for him. ]

( he never would have told them anything. not under torture, nor fear or death because kieren forms loyalties for life and he would never betray someone he loves. he is far too stubborn for that, and no matter what they had done, the russians wouldn't have been able to drag it out of him. but matt of course, the martyr that he is, looks at kieren and sees only something to be guilty about.

that alone hurts more than the crowbar did. )

No...

( talking is hard with the amount of pain he's in but kieren grits his teeth and soldiers through it, because he might be a gentle art student but he's got a will made of iron. )

Wasn't you. It was them.

[ Matt looks at Kieren and there is everything to be guilty about; what is the price for dragging an innocent man into this world of violence, this bloodbath? This is Matt's war to wage, and when someone he loves becomes collateral, the burden of it is on his shoulders alone.

He can practically hear the strain when Kieren speaks, the contracting muscles, the pain in his voice. His lover might have a will of iron and a determination that he would never again underestimate, but the streets are treacherous, and if they can find him once, they can find him again.

They'll deal with that later. Right now -- he's silent when he carries him home, back into his apartment to set him gently on the couch. He tugs the bandanna off his eyes (not that it would make a difference), doors bolted shut and locked, and he makes his way to the heavy-duty first aid kit he'd kept just in case.

Next, a basin of clean water and towels. Needle, thread, a lighter and a bottle of whiskey. ]

( the bolted doors should make him feel safer, but they don't. because kieren's doors had also been locked, and those men had burst through like they were made of paper. it is going to take a lot to make him feel safe again, after this. matt lays him on the couch gently in an attempt not to jostle him, and then goes to find some supplies. his shoulder's gone numb.

kieren doesn't know if this is a blessing or not, but he keeps himself on his uninjured side, pressing his face into the pillows of the couch to muffle the fact that he lets out a brief sob. just one -- okay, two. he's muffling himself because he doesn't want matt to hear. but he will, probably.

he hasn't cried since the day amy was murdered, which says a lot about this. )

[ He can hear it, clear as a siren. He hears the heave of his body first, clenching before relaxing, the distress and the pounding heart, the movement of his body and the muffled sobs, the faintest tang of tears in the air.

He might as well be sobbing out loud, because that's what Matt hears, and he feels his heart break for him, a dull ache that spreads when he hears his lover's distress, the fear and the pain. He bites his lip when he comes to him, sits on the couch beside him as his hand comes gently on Kieren's. ]

I've got you now. I won't let anyone hurt you again, I promise.

[ He says quietly, forcing his voice to be steady. I'm sorry. He will tear the world down to keep Kieren safe, cut a swath of blood through the many who wish to see him dead just so that Kieren will never have to be afraid again. ] You were very brave, and I failed you.

( he doesn't want matt to hear him, he'd tried muffling the sound to the best of his ability. kieren knows that matt can...sense things better than most people, but he doesn't know the extent to it. he doesn't know that matt can hear his heartbeat and taste his tears from another room in the apartment. the tears sting the wounds on his face, which actually just hurts more, but it feels good to get it out of his system. the soft, racking sobs. matt touches him gently, and kieren leans into that touch. )

I love you.

( he has to say it, even through his heaving breaths. he needs matt to know it. he needs him to understand that kieren doesn't regret getting involved with him, not even a little bit. )

[ Matt is silent for a long moment, listening to his sobs, fingers coming to tentatively wipe his tears away. His heart leaps into his mouth when he hears those three little words, three words that are more important to him than anything in the world, and he thinks of Kieren's laughter, soft and sweet.

He thinks of the fear, the terror that Kieren must've felt, the pain that even now tortures him. He pulls away only to rinse a towel, to dab it at his wounds to clean off the blood, wiping it carefully off his skin.

A pair of scissors cuts his shirt open so that he can get to the wounds there, too, cleaning it out with a care that is almost reverent. I love you. Matt finds that he can't say a word in response, trapped in his throat. He loves him. He loves him, and Matt, in turn, is going to ruin him.

You shouldn't, he wants to say, emotions roiling within him, threatening to overwhelm. It's his fault that they know who Kieren Walker is, now. He leans down to kiss him briefly on the lips, shaking his head wordlessly. ]

You need to rest. Let me take care of you.

( it's the kiss, more than anything, that calms him down. the kiss that makes him feel a semblance of normalcy after his world was turned upside down so intensely. matt kisses him and it feels the same as it always does, except for the slight sting of his cut lip. he leans back against the couch, inadvertently jostling his other side. it wrings a soft cry from his lips, his heart rate bursting with the sudden pain. )

I think there's something wrong with my shoulder --

( wrong as in, it might be broken. wrong as in his bones feel out of place and bruised. he remembers now, how the leader had brought the crowbar down hard on that shoulder, and kieren had heard something crack for sure. )

It's dislocated.

[ Matt tells him; it's in the angle of the shifting, the soft cry, the reminder that Kieren's never taken a beating like this before. He swallows hard, moving to help him sit up, staying close like Kieren would slip through his fingers again if he isn't looking.

He tastes Kieren's blood on his lips, sees it as a mark on himself, a notch on his soul to have allowed one he so loves to shed it for his sake. ] I have to push it back on for you, and it will only hurt for a minute.

[ He cups his face briefly, touching the uninjured side. Matt's eyes are unfocused but determined, zeroing in on the biggest problem right now. Kieren doesn't deserve this, he shouldn't have to endure this. ] But I'll make it all right again.

( sitting up is agony, but it's easier when matt helps him with it, because kieren can lean on strong hands without having to worry that he'll fall backwards. matt's hands are so gentle and calloused - he remembers how much he used to love kissing the rough palms, running his fingers over them.

matt says it's going to hurt, and kieren believes him. it hurts to even move that side of his shoulder just the slightest bit. he can't imagine how much it'll hurt to have it shoved back in the socket. but it's something that has to be done. )

I trust you.

( of course he does. always has, always will. )

[ Another gesture of trust, of undeserved affection -- even in this Kieren is selfless, loving, and his touch lingers when he steadies himself and holds him close. He moves his hands lightly over his shoulder, the way the other looks out of shape, and he murmurs soft, quiet words, working to soothe Kieren before he pops the shoulder back in with one efficient, swift move.

He hears the sickening sound of bones moving back into place, and he keeps close, another whispered apology in the face of his pain. ]

( kieren screams.

he doesn't mean to. he was bracing himself for the pain, his teeth gritted in anticipation of it. but when it finally happens, when matt finally pushes his shoulder back in, all of that is forgotten and he just screams. it hurts so much that he swears there are white lights flashing in front of his eyes, and when it's finally done kieren just slumps against matt, half-conscious and feeling slightly delirious. )

You're all right. You're all right now. [ Matt cradles him, catches him and holds him tight, his scream ringing in his ears, piercing his heart, a reminder of what he'd failed to do. He holds him and soothes him, keeping Kieren against him, all his wounds and all.

He fumbles for the extra-strength painkillers he keeps around just in case, and offers two to him. ]

Swallow. This will make you feel better soon.

( there's still pain radiating down his shoulder, but it's nothing compared to what it was two minutes ago. matt cradles him close and kieren realizes that he's so, so grateful that he's here right now. that he saved him.

it doesn't occur to him that he wouldn't have needed saving if it weren't for matt. kieren swallows the painkillers and realizes that his consciousness is holding on by a thread. his head starts to spin in the darkness, and it doesn't take long before he just passes out.

because there's only so much pain a human body can take before it loses consciousness.

this is considered a mercy. )

[ A mercy.

Matt attends to him while he's passed out, disinfecting wounds and stitching them up, putting gauze and dressing on them, cleaning him up and setting him into comfortable clothes -- it's hours before Kieren is completely attended to, and when it's over, Matt sits on the floor beside his couch, leaning against him as he keeps watch, wide awake and vigilant.

It would be best if Kieren sleeps the next couple of days away; he will need it. Matt will attend to him without question, providing water, and more painkillers, broth, anything that he could need. ]

( he sleeps clean through the next two days, a dreamless sleep of a body that is trying to repair itself. which is good, because if kieren had dreamed, all he would have experienced were those few hours inside that filthy warehouse. a few hours that will never be scrubbed from his mind.

but he wakes slowly, groggily, and is hit by a wave of pain that elicits a groan from him. )

Matt...

( his voice is nothing more than a rasp, scratchy from disuse. )

[ He comes to, and Matt is at his side in an instant with a glass of water and more painkillers just in case. He remembers that Kieren's tolerance for pain isn't near Matt's, that he requires rest -- Kieren's body is operating a little better now than he did when he carried him home, and he briefly touches his face. ]

Yes, I'm here.

( of course matt is there. kieren never doubted it for a moment. matt is here and he’s touching his face and for a moment he can bring himself to believe that everything might be okay in the world. after three days of lying on a couch, his body is stiff when he tries to sit up, slowly pulling himself upright with a pained groan. )

How...

( his voice feels like a bed of rusty nails. )

How long was I asleep for?

A few days.

[ He picks up the glass to offer it to him, free hand braced at his back to keep him steady. Matt's listening for any anomalies, the creaking of bones and the pull of muscles. He still needs him to recover from the hairline fractures, but otherwise... ]

You needed the rest.

A few days? God.

( he hadn’t even considered that it might be that long, but that explains why his muscles are so stiff. matt offers him a glass of water and kieren grips it with unsteady hands, fingers shaking with even that much effort. he wants to be able to drink it himself, though. he has his pride.

kieren drinks a little too much, too fast and ends up coughing a little but manages not to spill. which, right now, feels like an achievement. )

You haven’t...been awake the whole time, have you? You’ve slept, right?

[ Matt has been sleeping fitfully, waking whenever Kieren so much as stirs; the sleeping bag at the foot of Kieren's couch speaks volumes, as does the dark circles under Matt's eyes.

It's penance. It's love, an unyielding devotion to an injured partner. He shakes his head, lies, while he snags a clean towel to wipe him dry, taking the glass from him when he's done with it. ]

I did. [ There just are long stretches where he lies awake, listening to him in the darkness, his heartbeat, his movements. He changes the subject. ] Are you hungry?

wow my heart hurts

just as planned

I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS IT'S GROSS

ME TOO

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