ergon | .OPEN POST. (let's play)

[ Matt's breath catches at that, and he knows instinctively what Kieren's trying to do when he shifts, and he keeps himself within reach at his lover's convenience. He smiles faintly, because he sure as hell doesn't feel amazing, or a miracle.

Miracles mean he would have his Kieren safe and sound and unhurt. Miracles mean that Matt would have gotten there in time before he endured all of those terrible things for him.

He ducks his head; the guilt is never gone -- by now it's sharpened into a fine point, cutting into him with a predictable regularity. ]

That would be the painkillers talking. [ He tells him dryly, leaning in to be held. ] Maybe it's time to turn down your dosage?

[ If I really were someone amazing, I could have stopped them from hurting you. ]

Oh, come on.

( don't patronize him, matt. he knows what he means, painkillers or not. kieren knows he feels guilty about all this, but he doesn't regret getting to know him at all. )

I'm serious.

( he wants to draw matt down, wants him to hold him because that might be the only thing that will make him feel safe today. for a long time. )

D'you think... Are you busy? Could we just lie down for a bit?

[ Matt doesn't hesitate when he feels Kieren nudging closer, wanting to be held, and he wraps his arms around that smaller frame, quietly marveling at Kieren's strength of will, the sheer determination to keep standing even after all the damage he'd taken.

He shakes his head and presses a kiss to his cheek, sensing the flutter of the other's heart, the way the fear sets in. ]

...Yeah. [ He leads him to the bedroom, their bed, helping Kieren into it carefully before he climbs in after him, making sure he doesn't jostle him more than he ought to. ]

I told Foggy I wouldn't be in for the next few days. He'll man the fort without me.

[ But he has work to do at night; the question is if Kieren would be okay on his own when he's out. ]

I'll be fine. You can go into work.

( because he doesn't want to be that kind of person, the frail and needy person that doesn't know how to be alone. r doesn't want matt to feel like he has to babysit him constantly. but truthfully, kieren is terrified and he's going to be terrified for a very long time. he's not going to be able to believe in the concept of safety again.

but kieren is absolutely not going to admit it. though even now, his heart rate spikes at the idea of being in this apartment alone.

but for now, he'll cling to matt softly, snuggling into his shoulder. )

[ Matt can hear the lie. He knows the spiking heart rate, the jump in Kieren's pulse when he tells him he'd be fine. He knows the scent of fear, the fact that Kieren would be the farthest thing from fine if he's left alone tonight.

Matt understands, of course; he knows the sort of pride Kieren possesses, the stubbornness and the general aversion to being needy. The younger man is the farthest thing from needy, but he's sure that Kieren wouldn't believe him even if he'd said it. Matt knows, too, that he needs to help him feel safe again, help him adjust, and while he doesn't have the slightest clue of how to do it, he'll keep trying.

He feels him cling, and his fingers come to lightly stroke his hair as he wraps himself around him protectively, letting Kieren press into his warm shoulder and chest. ]

No, it's all right. I'll stay with you for as long as I can. I don't want to be away from you for longer than I need to.

( he's terrified and he doesn't know how to stop being terrified, and that's incredibly frustrating. because that's a familiar feeling, a holdover from growing up in a town where everyone hates you. back in england, kieren had always remembered being afraid. and then he had moved to new york and learned how to grow into his own, and he'd stopped being afraid for a good long while, even despite his parent's warnings about the dangers of big cities.

this feeling is familiar, and all it does is bring back a whole manner of bad memories. )

Are you...going to keep going out at night?

( the answer should be obvious, because matt won't stop. but after seeing how close he'd come to killing that man the other day, kieren is afraid of losing him. )

You can't keep doing this by yourself, Matt.

[ Matt is sorry in more ways than he can count, because this isn't something he had meant for to happen, not to Kieren, who had overcome so much of what had plagued him in his formative years. He's heard stories, of course -- listened to what Kieren had shared with clenched fists, quietly angry at how someone so sweet and kind could be so ostracised just because he didn't fit the mold.

But Matt had been the same, even if it had been out of consequence rather than design. His blindness had put up many barriers, and people just didn't know what to do with him -- Kieren did. Kieren looked at him and smiled, and kissed him, and thought he was extraordinary.

And now...

Matt's grip around him tightens, and he swallows a lump in his throat. They both know the answer, but Kieren's heartbeat is a harried flutter, and he can almost taste his terror, the fear that's set within him because of the unseen enemy. He reaches up to trail a hand through his hair, careful to avoid the wounded areas. He leans forward to kiss him softly, briefly, regret lacing his words. ]

I have to. [ Because there could be more people like him out there, terrified and afraid, and it's Matt's job to stop them. He'd put in extra measures to make sure no one finds him here -- and he's certain Kieren will be safe right in his home, or they would have found them by now. ] Kier, there could be others like you out there.

[ He exhales, kissing his forehead. ] I can't bring anyone else in with me. [ He lies, then, soft and quiet. ] It'll be all right.

The other night...

( he's opening a can of worms that he should not be opening right now, especially not when he's in this condition. but kieren can't help it. he's haunted by the things that he saw that night -- not just the cruelty in the hearts of men he knows to be murderers and thieves, but in this man that he loves so much. because kieren doesn't know how to do anything by half measures, he only knows how to love wholeheartedly. as much as he tries to keep himself from doing so. )

Were you going to kill that man?

( kieren is afraid -- not of injury, or pain or death. he's afraid of losing matt to this city that he battles every night, to whatever demons that plague him and the burden he feels the need to shoulder on his own. )

[ It's a difficult question to answer -- his rage had been blinding, overwhelming, and all it takes is the smell of Kieren's blood and fear to push his berserk buttons, his terror that Kieren could have lost his life because of him.

He swallows hard, trying to find the words to say. He can still hear the flutter of Kieren's heartbeat, the fear that's laced in his words. He fingers touch his face lightly, finding himself unable to lie, not to him. He exhales quietly. ]

I don't know. [ He really doesn't. He was afraid, furious, all thought pushed to the back of his mind -- it's the Murdock blood, he knows, and sometimes it terrifies him. ] ...I know I wanted to.

[ He shakes his head. ] Are you afraid?

( this is a man who has weapons stashed in his closet, whose back is matted with scars. kieren doesn't begrudge him this duty that matt seems to have imposed on himself, but he is afraid. every time he returns needing to be patched up, kieren is afraid that one day he might not come back at all, that he will just have to hear about his death on the news one day in the midst of a city who would certainly celebrate it.

and at the moment, in that warehouse, he was afraid of the kind of things matt could be capable of. )

I lost people I loved to senseless violence.

( it's hard to talk about, even though matt knows his whole story. not that many people do. )

I don't want you to be one of them.

[ Matt knows. He knows his story and all the things that had happened with him, the losses that he's suffered. Kieren's first love, his best friend -- all in bloody, violent ways that Kieren had been forced to endure.

But this is what he chooses and what he takes on, and one day he will die as violently as he'd lived. Go up against a villain so much stronger than he is -- but in hopes, perhaps, that he would have made enough of a difference to have a legacy, to show the people of Hell's Kitchen that they could stand up to the enemy, too, that they could protect others, too. But until then, he would take on their burdens, he could push back the greed and the evil that comes senselessly upon this city and its people. ]

I'm here to stop that from happening to others, Kieren. [ He tells him quietly, his fingers threading through his hair. ] Many people here have lost the ones they loved to senseless violence, too. [ He pauses. ] But I won't let that happen again.

( rick macy's father had put a knife to him because he wasn't who he was expected to be. kieren still remembers his body placed there on his front driveway as a warning, remembers grabbing the knife and rushing over to confront bill macy, the knife in hand. remembers how easy it would have been to drive that knife into him, when the man was sitting there watching television like nothing in the world was wrong. but kieren had not done that, because that isn't who he is. because hurting bill macy would never bring his best friend back to him.

revenge, he thinks, hurts the seeker more than anything else. and now, he wonders if it's justice matt seeks at all. )

I watched you lose yourself, Matt. To the anger, and the hate. That man was on the ground, he was unconscious and you just...lost it.

( he wishes that he wasn't so weak, that he could somehow reach out and protect everyone he loved, but he can't. )

You're a good man. You're better than they are.

He hurt you.

[ And it bothers him, too -- the fact that Matt was willing and prepared, when his better judgment is clouded by the thought that Kieren had been forcefully taken from his own, tortured for his sake, and there had been so much blood...

Kieren is not a man suited for violence at all, not one who belongs in such a world, where hate and death goes around and around and Matt tries. The guilt is a living, condemning thing, and Matt understands what Kieren is saying, the message he attempts to put through. ]

I'm not proud of what I did. [ He presses his lips to his forehead, soft and tentative, his expression troubled. ] You were the one who called me back. If you hadn't --

[ He wonders if he's better than them, after all. ]

( kieren lets his fingers card softly through matt's hair, brushing strands from his forehead. he knows how sensitive the man is, how much these little sensory touches affect him. is he gentle, exceedingly gentle whenever he touches him, his hands lacking the callouses of violence. )

I don't want this city to make you into something you're not.

( and he gets it, he really does. he understands what matt is trying to do. defend the helpless . stand up for the downtrodden. he's proud of him for that, prouder than words can express. )

You can pull yourself back. I believe that.

It won't.

[ Matt feels every touch, featherlight and gentle; Kieren touches him with delicate grace, with an affection that haunts him and keeps him anchored. Kieren, ever-innocent, and he's let him down.

He leans into his touch, gently moving in to press his lips gently against the side of his mouth, quiet and reassuring. He wants to soothe him, because Kieren's the one who needs his support right now. He's the one who needs him; after all, the one who had been attacked isn't Matt. He keeps those words in mind, and he musters the faintest little smile, more for Kieren's sake than his own. ]

I won't let you be hurt again.

I see it, when you look at me. You're guilty. You think you've let me down. But that's not true. You saved me. If I'd never met you, maybe they would've come for me anyway. For another reason. Because that's what they do.

( he's proud of the work matt's doing. proud of all the people he saves. but he just wishes that he didn't have to tear himself apart for it. that maybe he could try to be gentle again. like he is, with kieren. )

You're a martyr, Matt. And I'm worried that one day, you just...you won't come home. I'm scared.

[ Matt is silent for a moment as Kieren's words sink in. Kieren's not wrong; Matt can't shake the guilt he feels when he smells the copper-tang of blood and creaking bones, the way Kieren favors his side when he moves, all of it a reminder of his failure.

But he can set it aside when he goes out tonight, tomorrow, whenever he's needed, to make sure that what happens to Kieren won't happen to anyone else. He has to move forward, to keep on fighting because that's what he owes to the people of this city, to himself.

He leans forward to gently cup his face, pressing his forehead to his. Kieren needs him, and he has to be strong for the both of them. ] Don't be scared. [ He says quietly, thumb gently rubbing over Kieren's bottom lip, soft and full and so very tempting. ] I won't let anyone hurt you again. And I'll always come home to you.

[ He'll fight tooth and nail to come back to Kieren, to come back home. He refuses to be afraid; he knows what lies before him, the long, agonising painful road full of blood and death. But he takes it on anyway, because there is no other road he would rather go down on. ]

( in the end, matt will do what he wants to, what he thinks is right. kieren knows this. they are both intensely stubborn men. he can only hope that maybe matt will recall his words one day. he lets his hands smooth soothing circles on matt's back and shoulders, quiet and gentle. )

Alright. But if you're going to keep that promise, you need to sleep. You can't fight if you aren't well rested, right?

( he's not budging on this. he knows matt probably hasn't slept for days. )

Sleep.

.OPEN POST. (let's play)

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