ergon | .OPEN POST. (let's play)

( there's still pain radiating down his shoulder, but it's nothing compared to what it was two minutes ago. matt cradles him close and kieren realizes that he's so, so grateful that he's here right now. that he saved him.

it doesn't occur to him that he wouldn't have needed saving if it weren't for matt. kieren swallows the painkillers and realizes that his consciousness is holding on by a thread. his head starts to spin in the darkness, and it doesn't take long before he just passes out.

because there's only so much pain a human body can take before it loses consciousness.

this is considered a mercy. )

[ A mercy.

Matt attends to him while he's passed out, disinfecting wounds and stitching them up, putting gauze and dressing on them, cleaning him up and setting him into comfortable clothes -- it's hours before Kieren is completely attended to, and when it's over, Matt sits on the floor beside his couch, leaning against him as he keeps watch, wide awake and vigilant.

It would be best if Kieren sleeps the next couple of days away; he will need it. Matt will attend to him without question, providing water, and more painkillers, broth, anything that he could need. ]

( he sleeps clean through the next two days, a dreamless sleep of a body that is trying to repair itself. which is good, because if kieren had dreamed, all he would have experienced were those few hours inside that filthy warehouse. a few hours that will never be scrubbed from his mind.

but he wakes slowly, groggily, and is hit by a wave of pain that elicits a groan from him. )

Matt...

( his voice is nothing more than a rasp, scratchy from disuse. )

[ He comes to, and Matt is at his side in an instant with a glass of water and more painkillers just in case. He remembers that Kieren's tolerance for pain isn't near Matt's, that he requires rest -- Kieren's body is operating a little better now than he did when he carried him home, and he briefly touches his face. ]

Yes, I'm here.

( of course matt is there. kieren never doubted it for a moment. matt is here and he’s touching his face and for a moment he can bring himself to believe that everything might be okay in the world. after three days of lying on a couch, his body is stiff when he tries to sit up, slowly pulling himself upright with a pained groan. )

How...

( his voice feels like a bed of rusty nails. )

How long was I asleep for?

A few days.

[ He picks up the glass to offer it to him, free hand braced at his back to keep him steady. Matt's listening for any anomalies, the creaking of bones and the pull of muscles. He still needs him to recover from the hairline fractures, but otherwise... ]

You needed the rest.

A few days? God.

( he hadn’t even considered that it might be that long, but that explains why his muscles are so stiff. matt offers him a glass of water and kieren grips it with unsteady hands, fingers shaking with even that much effort. he wants to be able to drink it himself, though. he has his pride.

kieren drinks a little too much, too fast and ends up coughing a little but manages not to spill. which, right now, feels like an achievement. )

You haven’t...been awake the whole time, have you? You’ve slept, right?

[ Matt has been sleeping fitfully, waking whenever Kieren so much as stirs; the sleeping bag at the foot of Kieren's couch speaks volumes, as does the dark circles under Matt's eyes.

It's penance. It's love, an unyielding devotion to an injured partner. He shakes his head, lies, while he snags a clean towel to wipe him dry, taking the glass from him when he's done with it. ]

I did. [ There just are long stretches where he lies awake, listening to him in the darkness, his heartbeat, his movements. He changes the subject. ] Are you hungry?

( it isn’t long before kieren is craning his neck to see the sleeping bag at the foot of his couch. he thinks about how much matt’s back must hurt after sleeping on the hard ground for a few days, how the dark circles under his eyes betray him. )

You slept on the floor? ( he can’t help the exasperated sigh that escapes him, switching back into the mode he uses to admonish him whenever matt doesn’t take proper care of himself. ) Go to bed. I’ll be fine.

( as in, he’s pushing the blankets gingerly aside and trying to stand -- his legs wobble, but they hold him upright. just barely. he feels about as strong as a newborn kitten. )

[ Like hell Matt's going to go to bed when Kieren's trying to do -- whatever he's attempting to do right now. He reaches out for him, moving to help him up when he hears the rustle and senses movement, the shift in the air. He's still weak, and the flow of blood through his veins is not quite as robust as it ought to be. ]

I've slept on worse.

[ He tells him gently; this, at least, is not a lie. Stick had been an exacting teacher, and he isn't known for his hospitality. ] And I'm not going anywhere. [ He has a hand on Kieren's elbow, steadying him as he steps close, frowning briefly. ] What are you doing?

Trying to stand.

( this is very much a losing battle fought with gritted teeth and a clenched jaw. his muscles ache, they feel wobbly, like he's trying to steady himself on a ship that is capsizing. when the blanket falls off him, kieren looks down to see the multitude of wounds stitched carefully in black thread. matt's needlework is impeccable, knitting torn flesh together, but he can't help but grateful that he wasn't awake for that. )

I wanted to see if I could?

( his stomach grumbles, but he says nothing. instead, kieren leans on matt a little and takes one tiny step forward. just one. christ, that takes so much effort. )

Because if I can stand, it means I'm fine. Which means you can go to bed. Your back must be killing you.

[ Of course it's going to take a lot of effort -- Kieren has been so badly beaten that Matt can smell the blood in the apartment even now, hanging heavy, a reminder of his failure. He can feel Kieren straining, pushing himself before he even should (but that's him, right? Stubborn, trusting, loving Kieren, so fiercely loyal that it makes his heart hurt).

Impeccable needlework aside, his lover still needs all the rest that he can get, and Matt doesn't leave his side, his grip firm as he braces him, hovering close in case he buckles. ]

If you keep pushing yourself, you're going to tear your stitches out, and I'll have to do them all over again. [ A quiet admonishment. ] Sit back down, Kieren. Please. [ How can he rest when Kieren insists on worrying him? ] I'll make you something to eat.

[ Yes, don't think he hadn't heard that. ]

( of course matt heard that. he feels like it's difficult to get anything past him sometimes. he's far too sharp for that. and his worry is practically palpable to kieren, and it's the only reason why he sits back down. he hates feeling helpless, like an invalid. )a

Matt... How did you know that my shoulder was dislocated? You didn't even touch it.

( he reaches out to cup the man's cheek, impossibly fond. )

Are you super powered? Like those people on the news last year?o

Like the Avengers? I wouldn't know.

[ He smiles faintly, looking over in his direction as he leans into his touch, nuzzling; he's greedy for him, the way his fingers are angular and soft, smelling faintly of cotton, of him, and disinfectant.

Matt tilts his head, listening with care to Kieren's every movement, still protective. ] I can hear it. The way your bones sound when they move.

[ He exhales. ] Does it scare you?

No. I think it's amazing.

( he can't imagine what it must be like to have access to a whole new world like matt does. it really is incredible. )

You see so much more than everyone else.

( he is so ridiculously fond of matt, he wants to pull him a little closer so he can wrap his arms around him. )

I think you're a miracle.

Edited 2015-08-05 12:49 (UTC)

[ Matt's breath catches at that, and he knows instinctively what Kieren's trying to do when he shifts, and he keeps himself within reach at his lover's convenience. He smiles faintly, because he sure as hell doesn't feel amazing, or a miracle.

Miracles mean he would have his Kieren safe and sound and unhurt. Miracles mean that Matt would have gotten there in time before he endured all of those terrible things for him.

He ducks his head; the guilt is never gone -- by now it's sharpened into a fine point, cutting into him with a predictable regularity. ]

That would be the painkillers talking. [ He tells him dryly, leaning in to be held. ] Maybe it's time to turn down your dosage?

[ If I really were someone amazing, I could have stopped them from hurting you. ]

Oh, come on.

( don't patronize him, matt. he knows what he means, painkillers or not. kieren knows he feels guilty about all this, but he doesn't regret getting to know him at all. )

I'm serious.

( he wants to draw matt down, wants him to hold him because that might be the only thing that will make him feel safe today. for a long time. )

D'you think... Are you busy? Could we just lie down for a bit?

[ Matt doesn't hesitate when he feels Kieren nudging closer, wanting to be held, and he wraps his arms around that smaller frame, quietly marveling at Kieren's strength of will, the sheer determination to keep standing even after all the damage he'd taken.

He shakes his head and presses a kiss to his cheek, sensing the flutter of the other's heart, the way the fear sets in. ]

...Yeah. [ He leads him to the bedroom, their bed, helping Kieren into it carefully before he climbs in after him, making sure he doesn't jostle him more than he ought to. ]

I told Foggy I wouldn't be in for the next few days. He'll man the fort without me.

[ But he has work to do at night; the question is if Kieren would be okay on his own when he's out. ]

I'll be fine. You can go into work.

( because he doesn't want to be that kind of person, the frail and needy person that doesn't know how to be alone. r doesn't want matt to feel like he has to babysit him constantly. but truthfully, kieren is terrified and he's going to be terrified for a very long time. he's not going to be able to believe in the concept of safety again.

but kieren is absolutely not going to admit it. though even now, his heart rate spikes at the idea of being in this apartment alone.

but for now, he'll cling to matt softly, snuggling into his shoulder. )

[ Matt can hear the lie. He knows the spiking heart rate, the jump in Kieren's pulse when he tells him he'd be fine. He knows the scent of fear, the fact that Kieren would be the farthest thing from fine if he's left alone tonight.

Matt understands, of course; he knows the sort of pride Kieren possesses, the stubbornness and the general aversion to being needy. The younger man is the farthest thing from needy, but he's sure that Kieren wouldn't believe him even if he'd said it. Matt knows, too, that he needs to help him feel safe again, help him adjust, and while he doesn't have the slightest clue of how to do it, he'll keep trying.

He feels him cling, and his fingers come to lightly stroke his hair as he wraps himself around him protectively, letting Kieren press into his warm shoulder and chest. ]

No, it's all right. I'll stay with you for as long as I can. I don't want to be away from you for longer than I need to.

( he's terrified and he doesn't know how to stop being terrified, and that's incredibly frustrating. because that's a familiar feeling, a holdover from growing up in a town where everyone hates you. back in england, kieren had always remembered being afraid. and then he had moved to new york and learned how to grow into his own, and he'd stopped being afraid for a good long while, even despite his parent's warnings about the dangers of big cities.

this feeling is familiar, and all it does is bring back a whole manner of bad memories. )

Are you...going to keep going out at night?

( the answer should be obvious, because matt won't stop. but after seeing how close he'd come to killing that man the other day, kieren is afraid of losing him. )

You can't keep doing this by yourself, Matt.

[ Matt is sorry in more ways than he can count, because this isn't something he had meant for to happen, not to Kieren, who had overcome so much of what had plagued him in his formative years. He's heard stories, of course -- listened to what Kieren had shared with clenched fists, quietly angry at how someone so sweet and kind could be so ostracised just because he didn't fit the mold.

But Matt had been the same, even if it had been out of consequence rather than design. His blindness had put up many barriers, and people just didn't know what to do with him -- Kieren did. Kieren looked at him and smiled, and kissed him, and thought he was extraordinary.

And now...

Matt's grip around him tightens, and he swallows a lump in his throat. They both know the answer, but Kieren's heartbeat is a harried flutter, and he can almost taste his terror, the fear that's set within him because of the unseen enemy. He reaches up to trail a hand through his hair, careful to avoid the wounded areas. He leans forward to kiss him softly, briefly, regret lacing his words. ]

I have to. [ Because there could be more people like him out there, terrified and afraid, and it's Matt's job to stop them. He'd put in extra measures to make sure no one finds him here -- and he's certain Kieren will be safe right in his home, or they would have found them by now. ] Kier, there could be others like you out there.

[ He exhales, kissing his forehead. ] I can't bring anyone else in with me. [ He lies, then, soft and quiet. ] It'll be all right.

The other night...

( he's opening a can of worms that he should not be opening right now, especially not when he's in this condition. but kieren can't help it. he's haunted by the things that he saw that night -- not just the cruelty in the hearts of men he knows to be murderers and thieves, but in this man that he loves so much. because kieren doesn't know how to do anything by half measures, he only knows how to love wholeheartedly. as much as he tries to keep himself from doing so. )

Were you going to kill that man?

( kieren is afraid -- not of injury, or pain or death. he's afraid of losing matt to this city that he battles every night, to whatever demons that plague him and the burden he feels the need to shoulder on his own. )

[ It's a difficult question to answer -- his rage had been blinding, overwhelming, and all it takes is the smell of Kieren's blood and fear to push his berserk buttons, his terror that Kieren could have lost his life because of him.

He swallows hard, trying to find the words to say. He can still hear the flutter of Kieren's heartbeat, the fear that's laced in his words. He fingers touch his face lightly, finding himself unable to lie, not to him. He exhales quietly. ]

I don't know. [ He really doesn't. He was afraid, furious, all thought pushed to the back of his mind -- it's the Murdock blood, he knows, and sometimes it terrifies him. ] ...I know I wanted to.

[ He shakes his head. ] Are you afraid?

( this is a man who has weapons stashed in his closet, whose back is matted with scars. kieren doesn't begrudge him this duty that matt seems to have imposed on himself, but he is afraid. every time he returns needing to be patched up, kieren is afraid that one day he might not come back at all, that he will just have to hear about his death on the news one day in the midst of a city who would certainly celebrate it.

and at the moment, in that warehouse, he was afraid of the kind of things matt could be capable of. )

I lost people I loved to senseless violence.

( it's hard to talk about, even though matt knows his whole story. not that many people do. )

I don't want you to be one of them.

.OPEN POST. (let's play)

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